The Secret Bucket list

Written By sheldon manabat

For those of you that have been following Penn’s story from the beginning, you probably know all about her bucket list. The list of things Penn wanted to accomplish (and that she created herself) once she was diagnosed with ependymoma (brain cancer).

Here’s a refresher for you:

  • Go to the playground

  • Eat ice cream 

  • Eat chips 

  • Have a picnic 

  • Ride in the wagon

  • Throw rocks in the river

  • Blow bubbles

  • Make some art

  • Go to the mountains

  • Go camping

  • See a whale

  • Visit a piggie at a farm

  • See a shark

  • Go to Disneyland

It really was the ultimate four year olds list. I mean, who wouldn’t want to go eat chips, ice cream and play at a playground all day?

There was one item that we kept hidden from this list - only Penn, Paige, Sheldon and I knew about it.

In 2021, we planned to expand our family. It took a long time for us to realize this is what we really wanted. And then Penn was diagnosed with brain cancer. We were silently grieving we could lose Penn, Paige could be an only child, and not having baby #3.

Penn did incredible during her two crainiotomies and her 33 rounds of radiation treatment. We would often talk about having another baby in our family and she absolutely loved it. She was ready to become an older sister, or in tagalog/filipino an Ate (Ah-teh). She knew the baby’s name, and we would often talk about the baby to her. In 2021 when we would ask Paige if she wanted another baby in the family, she would say nope. But she’s come around since then.

After multiple consultations, appointments, mentally and physically preparing for baby #3, we announced to our family during the Christmas season (as per tradition with all our baby announcements).

It was Penn who actually told me I was pregnant. I was not even three weeks. I dreamt I was chasing after her, and she was running towards her playschool. When we got there, she sat on a log and said, “baby in mommy’s tummy.” And I asked her, “really?!” Penn said, “yes, mommy.” And she was laughing and giggling. She seemed so happy. And that day, I did take a test and it was positive.

Penn always liked to be the first one to know, and it gave me so much comfort she told me she was going to be a big sister.

I have this feeling that, when the baby arrives, they will see a picture of Penn and be drawn to her. Almost like they already know each other. We’re so fortunate we are able to expand our family and check off Penn’s secret bucket list item.

Thank you to our friends and family, sharing with us our joy in this new and exciting chapter.

sheldon manabat
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Grief