Always in my heart

Ever since Penn died, our family has taken quite a few trips. No matter where we go, Penn is still with us, and it has been very apparent in all the places we’ve gone to. She’s with us, and always in our hearts.

Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island

After Penn's death we knew we needed quality time as a new family of three. Sheldon and I decided that we should go anywhere, if it helps with our healing. We would name so many different places - but we didn't connect with any of them until my brother said, "How about the Maritimes?" For some reason it felt right. We've never been so we decided to book.

We started our trip in Halifax, and the hotel we booked was right across from a fox mural.

When we made our way to Prince Edward Island, we stopped at a chocolate store with foxes on display. We thought we were being pranked. I asked the cashier, “why are there foxes all over the place”, and she said "don't you know? PEI's official animal is the fox." We knew then, Penn guided us to PEI to heal, and to let us know she is always with us.

There is a fox storybook walk (three of Penn's favourite things) throughout the city of Charlottetown. It was great to do it together as a family and know Penn in her way was taking part in it too.

Vancouver Island

While we were enjoying the sea and sun at Cavendish beach, PEI, I had this overwhelming feeling we would be visiting another beach. I told Sheldon this and he said, “another vacation?!”

I felt like Penn was telling me I had to go to another place. Initially, I thought it was Hawaii, the trip that got cancelled because of COVID. And then, I realized, Penn was encouraging us to go to another island - Vancouver Island.

Victoria holds a special place in our hearts. We went to Vancouver Island shortly after Penn completed her 33 radiation treatments. This is where she got to meet Scratchy, and was able to cross off seeing a whale on her bucket list.

One morning Sheldon and ran along the south side of Victoria, and visited the same playground both our girls played at last year, and where their obsession with pirates began. We took a pause and sat at a nearby bench, reminiscing about our last trip as a family of four.

Although this trip was hard, I realized Penn encouraged us to go to Vancouver Island, helping us realize we can move forward. There will be bumps and hiccups along the way, but it is possible. Penn wants us to be happy, and to live a fulfilling, healthy, and adventurous life. Not to be sad. Because that would make her sad too.

California

As soon as we landed in San Diego, we went to Shake Shack. While everyone was enjoying their meals, the song go your own way from Fleetwood Mac started to play. One of Penn’s favourite songs, and a song that played at her viewing.

Before heading off to Nobu for dinner, we walked around the gas lamp quarter. One of the main streets was closed to pedestrian traffic with a variety of vendors set up for food, clothing, and jewelry. We walked towards the end of the street to find a historic brick building on the corner. It was called W.M Penn Hotel.

California Adventures

At the start of the trip, it was a bit chilly, cloudy and gloomy. Once we arrived in Anaheim, blue skies appeared, and of course the moon. Even at lunch time, the moon was still visible. I like to think it was Penn sending us a sign she was there with us.

King Triton pointing to the moon. I like to think Penn is saying, “Mom! I’m right here!”

California Adventures was decked out in Halloween decor. And I was excited, and emotional thinking of visiting the Plaza de la Familia. We honoured Penn, by placing her name on the memory wall.

Behind my sunglasses, I cried when all the Coco characters were singing, and dancing to the songs from the movie. I had a flashback, of our family dancing to live Encanto music, while Penn watched us dance in Animal Kingdom. It was a painful reminder when Penn was watching us dance in Animal Kingdom, and how she is still watching us at California Adventures - in a different way.

On our last night in California, Sheldon and I had a date night at Jeune Jolie. It was the first sunset where the sky was painted Penn’s bubblegum colours - pink, blue, and purple. While we were driving to dinner, I believe Penn was so happy her parents were spending quality time together. After dinner, we were so full from the delicious food we decided to walk to the beach. We felt Penn there. The sky was bright with 1000s of stars. And the ocean waves thundered as they crashed onto the beach. It almost felt like on the other side of the ocean that’s where Penn could be. She’s so close and so far at the same time. We feel her spirit but cannot physically hold her and embrace. That’s what makes some days so incredibly hard. Knowing Penn is trying to reach out and say she’s here but we cannot see her.

Sheldon and I celebrating our 17 year anniversary

We made a brief pit stop at the Windmill food hall before going to the airport. It was the first place since landing in California that carried bubble tea. Another one of Penn’s favourites. She loved a lot of things. The food hall also had a library corner (Penn loved books). And then, the killers song came on (All these things that I’ve done) and I knew she was there.

Penn Way

Penn’s name is quite unique. It’s not very common so when we hear Penn’s name anywhere in our travels we are quite surprised. On the way back from Anaheim to Carlsbad our Google maps was not working. It kept thinking we were no longer on the I-5 and was re-routing us to Penn Way to get back on the interstate.

I don’t think we will ever get used to being a family of three, but we do try to make the best memories despite our circumstances. Paigey had a blast in Disney with all of her cousins and we cannot wait to visit again.